Before I begin this rabid tirade against the stone walls I have slammed into while trying to become a professional writer, let me preface it with praise for the Internet. In a world where most cannot compete without a major corporation or megabucks behind them, the 'Net allows people to express themselves for next to nothing. Setting up a personal WebSite can (depending upon the server and the WebSite's size) cost an individual anywhere from ten to zero bucks a month. True, you will have to search around to find the good sites... the Internet is a blustering and growing place... but such diamonds in the rough are out there.

Hopefully, that includes my electronic dump here.

Of course, being the only one in your own domain means you reap all the rewards... and the criticisms. I am my own writer, art director, programmer, editor and publisher. I have no one to blame other than myself if something goes haywire. One youth (as in three years old) suggested I get an invisible friend to blame things on. Apparently such a red herring worked well with his parents at his house. I'm not that desperate. Yet. Maybe in another year or so, I'll change my tune and embrace a transparent scapegoat.

Why don't I have an agent? Well, I tried. And tried and tried and tried. In the beginning, I thought my failure was due to me doing something terribly wrong... but I couldn't figure out what. What I discovered along the way was that I was playing a game which was rigged against most aspiring authors.

1. LOCATION - I tried to find a literary agent in the Joplin, Missouri area. (Oh, yea, that was brilliant.) The only agents around here sell real estate. (I did learn a bit about the housing market, though.)

   In a nutshell, if you do not reside in a major city, no one takes you seriously as a novice writer. You have to move to a metropolis. Why? So publishers can reject you face-to-face... if they decide to see you at all. I have heard too many horror tales about someone finally getting an appointment with a publisher, spending his life savings to go to New York City, then spend his entire time there in a waiting room.

   "He'll see you in an hour."

   "Something's come up and he won't be able to see you until this afternoon."

   "Could you come back tomorrow? I'm sure he can squeeze you in then."

   "This week isn't good for us. Can you come back next week?"

   "He'll be out of the country for the next month. Could I pencil you in for sometime in April?"

   Agents know about this run-around. They know that publishers delight in sending you back home with your tale between your legs. If you don't have a local N.Y.C. or L.A. address so you can go through weeks of dehumanizing rejection, agents don't want to mess with you, either.

   

2. UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT - Yes, you can sometimes find an agent... who will immediately tell you to do something else.

   After months of telephone calls that dead-ended into oblivion, I finally got a nibble. An agent in Springfield, Missouri wanted to speak to me over lunch! At last! Of course, that probably meant starting off small, like writing blurbs for a local tourist brochure (Branson is just south of Springfield) but that's all right. Such experiences would do me good.
   So I drove to Springfield.
   I wore conservative clothes (which is about all I own except for some Halloween costumes and what I mow the lawn in). I was eager but I didn't want to appear too eager. For once in my life, I desperately wanted to make a good impression.
   When I walked into the restaurant, I was escorted to a circular booth. Already seated there was what I would charitably describe as a 200 year old troll in a yellow & green checked sports coat stolen off of a dead used car salesman. What caused my heart to sink were his first words to me. "Can you sing and dance?"
   "What?"
   "Sing and dance?" he asked.
   I sat down beside him. "I think there's been some mistake. I'm looking for a literary agent. You know, as in writing?"
   He either laughed or coughed. (I couldn't tell which.) "Print media is dead, kid. The public looks at the pretty pictures and maybe reads the captions later. Branson is the new entertainment capital of the Midwest, boy! Get on stage! There are dozens of shows hiring background people. Can you just stand there and hum? Lip sync the rest?"
   I groaned, "You're going to stick me with the lunch check, aren't you?"

   He did. I guess he figured a kid/boy over forty could afford it.

   

   THE LETTER GAME - Let me introduce this segment by saying that there is a no more worthless organization for a beginning writer than The Writers' Guild of America. Call them long distance and they will put you on hold, driving up your phone bills... then disconnect you before you speak to anyone helpful. Why? If you are not a Guild member, they don't want to speak to you, much less help you. You can't join the Guild until after you have sold something but most publishers & agents will not deal with non-Guild members. And, should you have the opportunity to join the Guild, your initial membership costs are more than your first royalty checks.

   What it boils down to is, The Writers' Guild of America is interested in helping their dues-paying members... and their members only. They also have enough unemployed writers in their directory now that they are not seeking any new untested talent.

   In my (unpublished) book, the WGA has a monopoly stranglehold that promotes criminal extortion. Welcome to Show Biz!

   What The Writers' Guild of America does do is send you a list of approved agents to whom you can write. Don't send out any manuscripts, however. First mail the agency a letter of introduction, explaining your style & type of writing and ask if they are taking on any new clients. Keep the letter to one page and be as businesslike as a greenhorn scribbler can be. Only after you get a positive response can you send them any of your wares. Usually you'll have to first sign some legal papers, stating that you will not sue their socks off for reading your text.

   Seems simple enough, especially in this age of computers. Create one really good form letter and personalizing it with the agency's name and address on the top. Then send out a few at a time to prevent getting multiple positive responses and causing hard feelings.

   I sent out over sixty of those bastards.

   No one... I repeat, NO ONE... responded! Eighteen of the letters came back 'New Address Unknown' or 'No Such Business at this Address.' The list was either woefully out of date or just plain wrong.

   As for my remaining letters? My guess, trash can filler.

   As for why I'm not shaking in my boots about saying such dastardly things about a powerful organization like The Writers' Guild of America? Simple. A little loophole in the law states that you cannot be sued if you speak THE TRUTH about someone or something.

   

   DON'T CALL US, WE'LL CALL YOU - Many publishers, be they of magazines or books, only hire freelance authors that they select, not those who want to write for them. In other words, you cannot go to them with unsolicited manuscripts. They have to come to you wanting you to pen a particular type of story or article. How that happens, I have no idea. Some agents claim they can make publishers crave a writer's works but I believe it involves signing contracts in your own blood & pawning your immortal soul.

   

   THE GREAT DILEMMA - What do I want more? To have my words read by the public or to make money selling them? A very simple question for me... especially since I cannot find anyone to pay me, anyway. No wonder this WebSite is free.

Whatever happened to an author's words standing by themselves? Since when did Guilds, unions, under the table deals and ass kissing become more important that the work itself? According to one Shakespearean scholar, since before William's time. Who am I to buck 600 years of corruption for the sake of my art?

Without sounding like Aesop's fabled wolf who claimed that the grapes must be sour because he could not reach them, I'm probably better off without an agent. I have no clue as to how to market myself. I write manuscripts that fit into no viable classification. And I want another to represent me?

What I seek is an agent who isn't a master of Weasel-Speak and a publisher with guts enough to give me a chance. Think I'll write to Walt Disney World. They have the largest Fantasyland around, don't they?

I don't do agents... and, frankly, they aren't going to come within a mile of me either.

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